If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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