Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
