there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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