fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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