I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
