Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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