i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
