You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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