Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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