nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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