I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His hands were made for my vagina.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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