I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
