we need to drink 2009 down the drain
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize