I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You've changed since you got that strap on
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
