You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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