captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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