turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
