Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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