I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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