Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
