yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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