Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
