I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
