She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
