quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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