he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
