Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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