Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
