he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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