Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
