You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
