last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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