how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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