i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
