How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
