how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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