my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
