This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
