it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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