did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
