Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
