so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
