Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
