The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
