the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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