The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
