I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
