I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
