when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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