That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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