I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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