I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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