I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
