one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
