I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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