I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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