Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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