dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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