Cold hands, warm shart.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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